Pelé Wollitz | The Scourge of Lusatia

The sun shines gently into my chamber, and the German football leagues are whizzing and puffing along the home stretch. What do I like? St. Pauli might stay in the Bundesliga, Hamburg's second team is back on top, and Cologne's carnival club could make it on the final matchday. With Dynamo Dresden, the East has two clubs back in the second division. You don't have to like the Saxon fans; Dynamo is definitely a sporting asset.

Another player you don't have to love is Pelé Wollitz, whose real name is Claus Dieter. What he's doing in Cottbus is phenomenal. Wollitz is stirring up the fringe of the league in the most sublime way. At Energie, the focus isn't on the art of playing a beautiful game; in Cottbus, it's about fighting back, staying steadfast, trusting in your own strength, countering better-positioned opponents with cunning, always giving your all, and much more. To reach the top, FC Energie Cottbus needed the right coach, someone who could get the necessary eleven percent above-average performance out of their players.

Claus-Dieter Wollitz, a former footballer born in Brakel in East Westphalia, is loud, demanding, boisterous, unreasonable, insulting, challenging, a proletarian who is viewed positively by his flock, much like the young Manfred Krug in »Spur der Steine«, a savior, an indestructible optimist.

He knows how to turn the invisible screws, adding a little oil to the fire here, sharing the carrot there. Wollitz is a wonderful scratcher, a great biter, and a great way to trip up earthworms. I think, in a pinch, he can even turn legs to mush using invisible currents of power, if the general situation calls for it.

Wollitz eats two cats for breakfast in the morning and slurps a dozen parrot eggs. He's a fucking fossil from the early 90s: someone who knows how to use a whip, but treats his charges (all in and around Cottbus) more kindly than Mother Mary.

At the recent game in Rostock, one nasty look was enough to send the anxious Rostock fans into a tailspin. The scourge of Lusatia had brought them something they hadn't expected: spunk, spunk, spunk.

He deserves praise for that; he's a cuddly monster, the cucumber farmer's final revenge. If Wollitz wins at home against Ingolstadt on the final matchday, we're sure to see two brilliant relegation matches for promotion to the 2nd division. Braunschweig, Fürth, or Münster, brace yourself; one of you three will be Wollitz's next victim.

The earth will shake during the relegation match in Cottbus, the jaws of hell will open. Wollitz will summon all his strength and all his helpers to complete his personal Jesus project. For there can only be one who will redeem Lusatia in power and glory. His name is Claus-Dieter. He has transcended humanity and, after promotion to the second division, will orbit the earth as a being of light. Ground control to Major Claus-Dieter. Take your protein pills and put on your helmet!